Sshh. Don't tell anyone but I've just ripped the Datatool alarm out of my bike & thrown it away!

Poxy thing. Only had my Speed Triple a few weeks but already I was sick of that bloody alarm. The motion sensor sets itself almost as soon as you take the key out of the ignition. I'd pull into a petrol station & by the time I'd got my gloves off it'd be set. Open the cap -BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! "Workshop" mode only worked when it felt like it. Remove the seat cowl -BEEP, BEEP, bloody BEEP. And the keyfob had a mind of it's own, sometimes taking a dozen attempts to activate it, beeping every time, leaving me with the worrying prospect of being stranded somewhere with the bike alarmed & disabled. Tried new batteries but they didn't cure it. HATE technology! Not used to bikes with suspension, let alone fancy alarm systems. Never had anything worth nicking before!

I live in a flat with an allocated parking space so I rent a garage 20 minute's walk away to tinker in, where the bike lives, chained to a steel ring concreted into the floor, like some monster in the basement.

Left it parked outside the flat last night. Came out to fire it up today, pressed the keyfob -nothing. Little red light but no signs of life. Ignition immobilised. Oh pooh. Back indoors. Riding gear off, hunt around for a spare battery, fit it in the fob, try again. Still nothing.

Remove seat to check on bike battery -BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! -Argh!

Finally snapped. Enough is enough! That alarm has got to go! Very glad it finally died outside my flat & not 200 miles from home, at night, in the rain.

In the bits & pieces I got with the bike was a multi-pin plug with several wires looped into one side, which takes the place of the alarm when it's removed. Took off the seat again, waited for the beeping to stop & reset itself, very carefully unscrewed the alarm module then unplugged the wires. -SCREEEECH! The LOUDEST noise I have EVER heard! Thought my ears were going to explode. Making my eyes go blurry! Bloody 'ell that's loud! Windows all over the block of flats are opening. Bloomin' noise won't stop! Evidently they don't like being unplugged when they're still activated. Try shoving the plug back in. SCREEEEEEECH! Too late. It's got no intention of stopping. The thing's completely removed from the bike & I'm running back & forth around the carpark clutching this black box with loads of wires hanging out of it, like some comedy bomb disposal guy. Half expect it to self destruct at any moment. What the hell do I do with it?! Chuck it in the communal dustbin. That's no good, it's a dirty great Grundon thing on wheels. If it sinks to the bottom I'll never reach it & it could carry on screaming for days. Throw it as far as I can over the hedge. Put it in somebody else's bin. Abandon it out in the road & run away.

I'm wrapping it in rags. Still bloody screeching. Stuffing it down my jacket. I can feel every other flat owner glaring at me. Don't panic! Don't panic!

Eventually, after what seemed like forever, I find my door keys, run upstairs -noise absolutely bloody deafening indoors, into my flat, run a sinkful of water & drown the damn thing. Hey, that actually works! Thought they only did that in movies. Silence. Lovely, lovely silence. I think I've gone deaf.

So I've wrapped it up in rags, put it in a black bin bag & buried it in the dustbin. Got visions of that little red light suddenly blinking back into life in the middle of the night now. Or of coming home from work to find the area sealed off & bomb disposal crews everywhere.

So if you see anything on the evening news tomorrow, you know nothing, o.k?

And the bike? Working fine thankyou. I'm gonna stick to building my own bikes in future.

Found out why the alarm suddenly got a lot quieter a few days after I bought the bike. I bought a small A-Z map book, put it in a plastic bag to keep it dry & tucked it under the seat -on top of the alarm siren. I just don't do technology. Not so much a new man, more of a 19th century one. Anything with more than 2 buttons is totally beyond me, including shirts.

Couldn't believe just how loud that thing was yesterday! The dustmen have been this morning so hopefully it's buried in a landfill somewhere by now. Phoned in sick to work today. I've got a real killer cold. Stonking headache, ice cold sweats, aching limbs. I blame Karen for talking me into going on that freezing cold & wet RATs run the other week. Managed to drag myself out to the carpark earlier. Key in the bike ignition, turn, hit the button, vrrooom. That's better! Trouble is, now I'm worried someone's going to nick it, so I have to keep going & checking on it.

The alarm was evil & deserved to die. Should've just bashed it with a brick but you can never find a decent blunt instrument when you want one can you.