PILLAR DRILL: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching metal out of your hands,
smacking you in the chest and flinging your cup of tea across the room.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeeeow!....'
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of
old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make metal too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence
it’s course, the more erratic it becomes.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you’re trying to remove
the bearing from.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy device for transferring sulphuric acid from a battery to
the inside of your toolbox after verifying that your battery is deader than a doughnut,
just as you thought.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for for the
last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch metal projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG WOODEN 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare apprentices
into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything in the
engine bay you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large crow bar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
LEAD LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light,
it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs at
an alarming rate. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact gun that
grips rusty bolts which were last over-tightened 40 years ago, and instantly rounds off their
heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you were trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
in plastic bottles, collectors magazines and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for
removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (most garages have lots of these). Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your voice. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need after a really big hammer.